You see, there is some guy somewhere so bitter, chocking with bile that you guys decided to put the chicken seller in power and not Mauzes who would take him to Canaan and give him KES 6,000 every month.

What a sad story. You rather die than have a goat chew your wee-wee. Glory to God that I am alive. I wonder what they could have said was the cause of death.

My barber was born in the age of Sparta where men were born on ice, played with snakes and ate mashed crocodile skin. He has shaved my cranium for four good years and I am about to make him The Real #BabaThe5th.

Do you know those things you keep saying or have said in the past, “Mimi siwezi, kwani mimi ni mwanamke!” but end up doing them? Well, I must confess it was either my life of ze zing! But I know many of you won’t believe me but isokay! Ze Lord is my witness!

My village people, I know you are eagerly waiting to help us offload our baggage off our cars as you give us those double-sided hugs. Forgive us for touching your kids’ hair and asking them ‘ulikuwa number ngapi’ as if we have something great planned for them.

Plot ten was a no-go zone because it was where prostitutes and chang’aa bruised degenerates would do their transactions. One day we were awakened by wails and I witnessed something that completely changed my life.

I thank Mama Soda for my life because the first fridge I ever saw in life was hers (Or was it Coca-Cola’s? 😕). I knew that all refrigerators were red and they had a posho mill engine because of the noise they produced.

My mom is the reason I am not married. I remember I was standing beside my primary school crush spitting M.S Patel’s English Aid lines and she swiftly walked past us jealously saying, “You wouldn’t say that this is the same Siloma who farts like a torn drum every night.”

Barbershops are for softies who love their heads caressed with eyebrow-deprived female attendants. I only get my hair cut in a Kinyozi. A place where the tail of a dead cow does its magic.

There is nothing as disheartening as being a bachelor in Kenya especially at this time when they are all casting for the animation movie, Frozen. The government has just increased

“Na kuna jangili imechafua hewa hapa.” One policeman said, “Yaani kuna kijana hapa imeamua kuharibu mali ya serikali.” Do you know why I hate lawyers? One is because of their prefixed titles e.g. H.E, MBS, HIV, LLB Hons, WHO, Esq. Barabbas Owiyo and two is because they never told me that the capital crime in Kenya is to fart in a police car.

Some girl somewhere is on her knees praying for a tall, handsome, sanctified, demon-chasing kind of a man who speaks in King Jameth English. I am that man. I want to connect to her in the spirit but the cockroaches doing bad manners in my microwave would not let me concentrate.