How To Evade Nairobi Thieves – For Dummies 🤪

How To Evade Nairobi Thieves For Dummies 🤪


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You see, there is some guy somewhere so bitter, chocking with bile that you guys decided to put the chicken seller in power and not Mauzes who would take him to Canaan and give him KES 6,000 every month.

And because you guys with no mercy whatsoever decided to end Stiiiifin Letoo’s campaigns rally career, my KES 6,000 guy is more depressed that Stiiiifin Letoo is no longer assuring him of Canaan.

I want to give this guy a name but if I give him a Kisii name you will say that Kisiis have been socially massacred on the internet. But aki Wakenya how can you say for one to date a Kisii girl you need a permit from Kenya Wildlife Service shuwally?

But, even us Maasais have had our fair share of ridicules. Me and my Stiiiifin have been ridiculed since time in memorial only that Stiiifin was ridiculed by the president and I am still getting ridiculed by my primary school girlfriends who cannot type good English on my Facebook comments.

Okay, back to my thief. Actually let me call him MT (My Thief). So we are at Arena One playing basketball and a certain friend narrates how he was doing a lazy stroll, (Guys from Emurua Dikirr please find out what a lazy stroll is) and he just strolled to far, actually from his house to The Junction Mall.

You see, rich kids say, “I was strolling from my house to the mall.” The rest of us who came to Nairobi by ‘Secret Admirer Safaris’ buses say, “We were coming out from where I live to the shop.” We cannot afford to say shopping center. We believe that we will be heavily taxed by the government if we used rich words.

You know Kenyan policemen take those things that are supposed to be in the evidence room (If you know you know) and should they overhear you saying I came from my house they can ask you, “Kichana na hii umri yako umetowa wapi nyumpa? Unasafisha pesa? Umelipa ushuru? Hebu toa kitu kidogo?”

For the last time, let me get back to MT. So, my cool kid says he was strolling from his house to The Junction and he realized that he had lost track of time and the distance he traveled. Pause, wait a minute? I am 100% sure no guy born and raised in Kajiado or Narok can lose track of time, how? You basically walk your life off.

You see, in Maasailand houses are 3km apart so if you are sent to look for Mama Letoo that’s a 6km journey. After coming back, your mother will tell you “Oooh, I forgot, go back find if there is anyone else and ask for chumvi.” And that’s where you go back cussing like Samuel L. Jackson – no wonder we are not prospering in life…

So our guy loses track of his time and he realizes that his phone is at 2% and quickly orders an Uber. The uber guy accepts the request but his phone switches off. Now unlike us, rich kids and buruweins are never at terms.

Now I realize why I had to face the pain and suffering mentioned in the Bible. It was not for me to cry and give testimonies in Church but for me to have a friend in Jesus and buruweins.

The guy tells us that he was scared as he had no ride home and he had to walk back the same distance. I quickly asked, “You could have quickly stepped into Java and charge your phone as you sip some coffee!” And he told me while wenging, “I never carried the charger bro!” Dear Kenyans, sasa mtu kama huyo mnamsaidia aje wajameni?

So the guy goes back when it is dark. This time he is not strolling but Kipchogeing. He realizes that Mr. MT is awaiting his KES 6,000. MT rightfully owns the cash, why? That guy woke up at the crack of dawn kabla ya jimbi la kwanza kuwika, voted for his guy and went back knowing that his 6,000 is intact.

The 6k is his right. He sweated for it. In fact, he shivered for it. Waking at 3am to go to vote is no joke. So, every night he waits for ‘my house’ and ‘lazy strolls’ cool kids so that he can recover his money.

Our guy here realizes that MT might be in the vicinity and decides to pull off a move that outrightly outshines Stivo Simple Boy. He started singing, or rather wenging the mad man version of Swahili Gospel songs.

How can a Karen cool kid sing, “Kitu gani kitaniteeenga na Yesu mwokozi wangu. Ni pombe? Ni wasichana? Ni sigara?” Or maybe he tried, “That stony wichi the builder build ze housi, rejekitedi.” But he says that he was able to pass by MT and get to ‘his house’ safe.

Now, what we do not know is if MT was touched by the person of the Holy Spirit and spared the talented singer, the bringer of the good news or was enjoying how a creative cool kid was able to pull up such a show.

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