My mom is the reason I am not married. I remember I was standing beside my primary school crush spitting M.S Patel’s English Aid lines and she swiftly walked past us jealously saying, “You wouldn’t say that this is the same Siloma who farts like a torn drum every night.”
Barbershops are for softies who love their heads caressed with eyebrow-deprived female attendants. I only get my hair cut in a Kinyozi. A place where the tail of a dead cow does its magic.
There is nothing as disheartening as being a bachelor in Kenya especially at this time when they are all casting for the animation movie, Frozen. The government has just increased
“Na kuna jangili imechafua hewa hapa.” One policeman said, “Yaani kuna kijana hapa imeamua kuharibu mali ya serikali.” Do you know why I hate lawyers? One is because of their prefixed titles e.g. H.E, MBS, HIV, LLB Hons, WHO, Esq. Barabbas Owiyo and two is because they never told me that the capital crime in Kenya is to fart in a police car.
Some girl somewhere is on her knees praying for a tall, handsome, sanctified, demon-chasing kind of a man who speaks in King Jameth English. I am that man. I want to connect to her in the spirit but the cockroaches doing bad manners in my microwave would not let me concentrate.
As you snooze that alarm of yours and turn over to enjoy that glorious sleep. As you grumble about how hard your workdays are someone is doing something. Everyday is a fresh start, make use of it.
There was a joke going round saying, ‘Kenyans don’t say I cannot afford, they simply say, utakuwa hapa kesho? Utafungua kidu six?’ (Will you be here tomorrow at around six?) Dear boy child, do not be ashamed to say, ‘I cannot afford.’
Kevo has a stable family, he has his life together and has bought a new car. The same Kevin who was a wasted log. But now, it is you who the society thinks is a waste. Do not compare yourself to others.
Dear young man, if she doesn’t create time for you, she is definitely creating time for someone else. If she treats you like garbage there is definitely someone else who she treats like a prince.
Lord, sometimes I see wealthy people Adorned in pearls, gold and purple tunics I see them fat, with fat wallets and fat cars I see them walking in a rich
