Wamama Wa Halia

Wamama Wa Halia
Wamama Wa Halia
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Rumor has it that the fresh grain eating pests have morphed into more potent and lethal organisms able to withhold more resources for more and improved services.

It is said that the new breed now hide in different and more advanced cocoons called the CX5. In Kiabuu, they pronounce it has Maznda sii ex faeufu. Back in Nyeli, you will hear them say, “Aki Jaymo amebebwo na mumama wa ngali kubwo.”

These pests target the youngest of grains, those with the capability to produce a bounty. Those that have no artificial ‘pastarizer’ nor sprayed with any inorganic substance.

These pests hide themselves in suburbs like Lavington, Kitisuru, Nyari and the poorest of them live in Kileleshwa. Jaymo is currently the most affected grain. They have been wiped out on the face of cool kids. Kevo is next in line.

You see, there are three breeds. In order of their stupidity, we have Jaymo, Kevo then the cunning of them all, Brayo. Jaymos hail from ‘Gicagi’. They come ndeep from the varreys of Kameno and Makuyu.

Jaymos came to Nairobi in the years 2008-2012 and their purpose in life is for the village to see them as the city’s elite. They used to hang out with their village counterparts in village kinyozis and pool table joints that had stickers of Beyonce, Chris Brown and Mbob Mare.

Jaymos, the dumbest of the three post photos of everything they touch and everywhere they go. In fact, they were the first to use selfie sticks. Their photography skills are notorious and polished especially when they post Skyward Express or Jambojet engines.

Njemos go home driving hired cars with a boot full of 5 loaves of bread to feed the whole village. In turn, their parents who are so happy that they have made it, they fill their boot with everything organic from their shamba. We will talk about their hired cars later.

Kevos live in the outskirts of Nairobi. They are mostly Kambas; ‘pungulu, pangala, pengele’, that kind of thing. Kevos live in Kajiado, Mayakos, Nax, Gatundu etc. Basically, they can be in the city in less that one and a half hours.

KK’s (Kevin Kimani, Kevin Kioko, Kevin Kariuki etc) are the enlightened version of Kevos. They pretend to be closer to Brayos. They outgrew the basic Kevos; the Kevos who are staunch fans of Ken Wa Malia and the Kefinis who attend One Man Guitar sessions in Kiambu Road. KK’s now hang out in The Loft and White Kitchen. Yeah, they say Quiver Lounge is for kids.

Kevos came to Nairobi way earlier than Jaymos, back in 2003s and 2005s. They pretend not to post photos of airplane engines, but they will take them regardless such that when they don’t have their usual ‘business’ meetings in Zanzibar, they will post them with the caption, “Just decided to step out of the house.”

Unlike Jaymos, this breed posts photos of airports complaining of bad treatment from staff, ooh sijui terminal 1A is too far from their villages; they would post just anything to remain relevant. They also thank God a lot in their statuses saying things like, “Thus far is the Lord” “Thank God I have landed safely, etc.”

Dear Kevo, do you know the safest means of transport? Kevos are the guys who would post the ‘kokoto’ (BTW what do you call kokoto in English? Please tell me in the comments section, I do not want Kevos to outshine me) in Lamu Airport and keep asking tagging the president in their tweets asking what he is doing about it.

They claim that they have never seen an airport with kokoto. But Kefini, does your father have an airport? Or is your family planning to construct one? Does Lamu airport surprise you? Have you been to Mandera airport?

Kevos know everything. They knew Ledama’s rungu was to be broken by Chebukati’s airport, sorry, head, they knew Azimio would lose according to their stats, and they always have intriguing stories that start with ‘anaa friend of mine’.

Then meet the Lords, the Wakanda forever, the Hushpuppis, the Netflix and Showmax subscribers and Apple Tv owners. The latest gadget holders, the sweet talkers and the naive girls’ impregnators. These are the deadbeat dads who ensure their sperms never go to waste. All hail the Spartans! All hail actors of Game of Thrones.

Brayos were born and raised in the ghetto. They had nothing and were humiliated by ‘rich’ kids who had four slices of bread and Blueband for breakfast. Their parents were casual laborers who came to Nairobi to make ends meet. They decided that their children are not going to be bull fighters in Mulembe Nation. Snap, I have already hinted their tribe. But isokay.

Brayos are finely built, they are always lifting heavy tiring metals at Wadi Degla to impress anything with mammary glands. They are everywhere in the gym, this time they are cycling with white towels on their necks, next they are running in that revolving machine (I don’t owe nobody an apology for being born in the armpits of this country), next they are lifting very heavy chumas and suddenly you will see them with the pacha pachas in Karaoke.

If you know you know, I don’t want akina Boniface Mwangi and other human rights NGOs to come for me for saying that pacha pachas are fat women in Karaoke. Miiiimi? Did I say that? That’s why I had to obscure it. But wait… Did I?

Brayos do all kinds of things for the world to know that they are the creme de la creme. They always talk of, ‘my gym instructor’, ‘my squash whatever’, ‘I don’t know 18 or 36 golf holes’, ‘sijui crossfit manenos’. They generally speak of anything that will make them look like they have made it but in real sense their real motivation is their childhood anger; Blueband smeared on the wheat they are now avoiding.

Brayos exercise their sperms a lot. They ensure that they have V8 engines and have 6 speed gear boxes. They are finely built in their genes and a skinny, sun-scorched Maasai pastoralist from Emurua Dikirr like Siloma cannot be a match.

It is sad that these Nairobi princesses always fall on the hands of ze devil claiming that they cannot sleep on a wire mesh bed in their struggling childhood and still sleep on a wire mesh pastoralist’s ribcage in this day and age. Aki if there is any pastoralist around you right now give them a hug. They need it. Or if they are away from you send them MPESA so that they can buy food.

I have a friend from Mulembe Nation, a counterfeit Brayo called HappyDon (see even the name, mine is Siloma ole Naiborlukunya, how can we even compete for scarce resources?) He is always smiling and once he shows his teeth that’s it; he scoops them the same way Samson scooped honey from a lion’s (which he killed) carcass. See, these people can kill that Nairobi princess and later scoop honey from them with the legendary, “Babe I never mean to hurt you” phrase.

Anyway, why am I talking about men while I was talking about Wamama wa Halia? Today they are mothers of CX5 but since the name is not as fancy we many need that kagirl that nicknamed Riggy G to give them a name.

So, our wamamaz also have classes. Category C are those vienyejis from Thika Load, Mombasa Load and some that were given land by the white settlers in Kalen. Maan, those women have an uncontrollable dose of Kikuyu.

I swear they cannot speak a sentence without at least one Kikuyu word. They will massacre the pronunciation of both the igrish and kiswahiri words. These are the pacha pachas that have finished the Jaymos by hiring them their cars. Don’t ask me how they pay for them, I am a born-again Christian.

Category B at rist finished high school and some went to correge. The top tier of Category B have university degrees. They are presentable and at least hide their mouths when they pick the nyama shoma off their teeth. They say sorry every time they belch. They are not thaat pacha pacha. But if they were all in a baby shower, the photographer would be wondering who the pregnant person is. These are a good match for Kevos.

Enlightened Kevos go for Category A wamamaz wa halia. Category A wamamaz have nothing but they have each other. These mamaz know people who know people and that’s why Brayos know that you can never go wrong with a Category A mamaz.

These mamaz live in Lavi, Kitisuru, Nyari and Spring Varrey. Some live hapo Gachie but they say they rive near Rossryn. These are those that have ensured Numero 5 has not yet shut its doors. They are well dressed, formal and smoke a lot of sheesha. They are mostly single mothers with one or two kids.

They would occasionally step aside and adjust their mammary glands, again don’t ask me why because I love Jesus. You would hear them calling their househelps asking, “Amelala? Hebu muamshe? Mama si you know mum loves you? I am in a business meeting…. I am coming just now.”

These are the mamaz you don’t joke with my friend, and it will need an extremely cunning Brayo to handle them. Here anything small can make your body float in River Yala or lie in Kibiko forest. And guess what, crocodiles and hyenas will even tell each other, “Leave that one, that one was eating dirty manenos, or you want to get H Pylori?”

These mamaz sort you for life as they link you with important people. The brighter Brayos who are into businesses or are looking for jobs really gain from these mamaz but at a crazily high cost because, utakimbia uende wapi? These Category As know this country inside out. Ask yourself, “Why are they single?”

Now, aside everything, guys, please love and embrace your hustle. For 10 years I have done web design and I am starting to see the fruits. The grind is tough but worth it, imagine there is no pacha pacha who would come and craim that they made me. You can check my business at https://braitconsulting.com

And even if you have got no business I teach a lot of creatives on how to handle their grinds at https://braitacademy.com. A lot of young men have been promised heaven by these wamamaz wa halia only to be left high and dry.

And we have a new breed of wamamaz wa halia that are intellectual cons. They wouldn’t mind sleeping with you to con you off a money you will even take a loan for. Yeah, someone renting an AirBnB house in Lavington conned a guy from Kayole a million shillings. So vijana mjishunge.

Na nimemaliza, wapi makofi? Kama una experience ya wamamaz, why don’t you tell me in the comment section below?

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